Episode 45: End of the Year Reflection - How to Make the Most of 2020

Introduction: 

Hey friend, the time has come to finish your dissertation, graduate and become doctor. Welcome to office hours or Dr. Lacy where we talk about how to finally master this time management thing so you can stay on top of it without losing your mind. Every Wednesday you can find a new episode wherever you listen to podcasts. Make sure you hit the subscribe button to make sure you never miss an episode. I'm Dr. Marvette Lacy, your dissertation writing strategist here to be with you along every step of the way and I would like to thank you for coming to today's office hours. Let's get started on today's episode. Hey, one quick thing before we get started with today's episode. Have you downloaded your Qual Scholars plan of study yet? You know the plan that walks you through step by step so you can go from feeling stuck, confused, and overwhelmed, to feeling like you finally have your shit together. I tell you exactly what you need to do for more discipline, consistency and structuring your dissertation process. All you need to do is go to Marvettelacy.com/plan to get your copy today. Now for real, let's get on to the show.

Chile, we made it to the end of another year? Yes, we did that. I know you're probably tired in the last thing on your mind is thinking about some reflection exercises. I mean, you're on vacation, right? You're but I'm sure like you go on Instagram or like Facebook, Twitter and you see everybody like, Oh, top nine or here's the highlight reel of all that I accomplished, the amazing, wonderful things that I accomplished in 2019 and here is what it's going to be in 2020 and 2020 is going to be a new me. You know, I'm leaving all of this behind in 2019 the last decade. You know, all this stuff that you're probably seeing on social media and while part of you is like, I guess I should do some reflection. The other part of you is like, man, I'm on vacation. My break is my break. I'm not doing anything. You know? Um, I was the same way. I used to be the same way. Um, and that I would say no, my vacation is my vacation. Especially when I was a doc student. Um, I would just be like, Nope, I'm taking a break. I'm not, I don't even know what a PhD is for the next couple of weeks. I don't know what a book is. Don't ask me no questions about nothing related to student development theory. I don't care. I'm on break. I would do that. And then, you know what would happen come the first week of classes? I would be feeling so stressed out, overworked and feeling. I can never catch up. Like I, you know, it would, we would be in the first week and I just would be like, I just need like two or three days to catch up and get organized and then I'd be good.

January Blues:

I can like sail through this, um, semester and then I would get those days right, cause MLK day is right around the corner. And when you first start the year, I would get those days. And guess what, what happened? Yup. The same thing. This is my time. I deserve to take some time. I deserve to watch TV. I've worked so hard these past couple of weeks, especially, I used to, I had this like love, hate, not even love this like relationship, this contentious like relationship with January. It just felt like it's cold and dark and there's nothing to look forward to in January. It's like a whole year in itself. I have recently recognized that that was more so because of being in Chicago and um, that area, it's really gray all the time. And January is typically one of the coldest months of the year. You know, we had the polar vortex last year. Right. And so it's just hard to like, it's the days are really sure.

It's, and then when it is day time, quote unquote, it's really gray and gloomy outside. And so now I can recognize that as seasonal depression. Um, but before or is it seasonal affective disorder? Ya'll know what I'm talking about. Um, whereas before I thought, you know, it was just me and I hated January, but when I'm somewhere sunny, like when I lived in Georgia, I was like, Oh, this is wonderful. Why did I ever hate January? Um, I'm still overwhelmed, right? Because I didn't have no plan going into my next semester. I just didn't feel as sad as I typically did when I was in Chicago. Either way. I just want you to think about 2020, like do a few things, set aside some time. Like you deserve to have a little bit of time set aside to really think about who were you in 2019 and who do you want to be in 2020?

Planning for 2020:

I phrased the question of who you were and who do you want to be because I honestly believe at the core, that is what's guiding how we show up in life. Um, and I want to know like who do you need to be or what needs to happen in order for you to do what you said you are going to do in 2020? Um, who do you need to be to just show up and do what you say you're going to do, to have integrity, to have follow through on your word? Um, and again, I recognize that it may be difficult to do this because you probably feel real tired and burnt out right now. And I understand that feeling. And if I could go back and talk to my past self, I would say, Hey, so the reason you're tired and burnt out, it has nothing to do with having a couple of days off and being able to plan and organize.

It has nothing to do with you thinking you're being overworked. It has everything to do with how you're thinking and feeling. Now, before you cut this off, I'm not saying that there's not real life things. I'm not saying that they're not real, um, consequence like people deaths or financial troubles or like real things that are outside of you. I'm saying though that you cannot use that. Yeah, I'm, strong language. You cannot use that as an excuse as to why you're not doing the very things that you do have control over. Right? So why would you completely be like, F it, life has happened. I'm not doing anything right. And there are things like we can control our effort, we can control how we think and how we show up. No, you can't control what happens with other people or what other people do. You can control yourself.

And if I could go back and talk to myself and say, the reason why you are feeling tired, burnt out and all the things is because you're so busy trying to control everyone else and you're not looking at what you can control. Y'all I done went off script. You got me going. You can control your thoughts and your actions and your feelings. Right? And most of us will start with trying to control our actions, right? That's where all the planning comes in at, right? That's when we sit down and say, okay, I'm going to write this time. I'm going to work on these things. I'm gonna have this done by the end of January. Those are all action related. However, a lot of us don't think about who do we need to be like, how do we need to feel? How do we need to think in order to act that way on its consistent basis, not when we have spurts of motivation or inspiration, who like how do you need to feel and how do you need to think in order to show up and do the things that you want to do?

Importance of 2019 Reflection:

If you've been around here any length of time, you know me, you talk to me, you know that I wholeheartedly believe your thoughts, control your emotions and your emotions, control your actions and your actions control like the results you have in your life. So if you want 2020 to be different, more of the same or whatever, then 20 2019 you're going to have to start with your thoughts and your emotions. Now I know that's probably a lot. You like what? I don't even know what that means. How do I start there? That is what this reflection that we're going to go through over the next few minutes together. That's what this is about. It is about helping you, providing you prompts and guidance on you to really get clear and have an overall picture about how did you think in 2019 how did you behave in 2019 how did you feel in 2019 because by knowing that, right, we can't solve a problem, we don't know exist.

And not to say your 2019 was a problem, but you can't say you want to do more of the same or change something or improve something if you don't even know what the something is. So we first have to start by taking a very honest, clear look at 2019 and then we can move on to 2020 and set our intentions for 2020 and I don't mean no general intentions like, I'm graduating, I'm going to be doctor. You ain't gonna be able to tell me nothing in 2020 all right girl. But like how are you going to get there? What you going to do? What do you have to do in the everyday moments. I, we were not doing no cookie cutter, you know, oh I'm going to have this dissertation proposal done by March. That's what last week was for. That was the warm up cause you're probably like how did we get here when last week we did a whole goal setting?

I did that as a warm up. That's like a quick exercise to do a 30 day plan. I for this episode and this week I want you to think about who do I want to be overall and if you're listening to this in real time, it is Christmas when this is released and so if you celebrate it or if you don't, I'm sure there's going to be some time where you're going to be like I need, I need a break from my family or I need to do something else. And maybe you like wow I don't have work to do or you don't want to do the work or maybe you just have some downtime. Cause this is a time of like just, there's not much really happening in terms of new TV or new social media, whatnot because people are taking breaks, right? They go on vacation. And so this is why I thought this is a perfect time to have this episode. So you could sit down, want to get to get your favorite notebook or some paper. I like to write on like regular white printer paper. It's just something about the empty space that helps my mind and in fact that I can turn to paper different ways. Get your favorite pens, get your favorite drink, I don't know what your favorite drink is, but get that and um, turn on some music and we're going to go step by step with this. Now you may be tempted to do this in one setting. Um, but um, I don't know. It depends on you. If at anytime you're like, Ooh, this too much, take a break. I do highly suggest that you do this in stages because it can be a lot. It can bring up a lot, especially this time of year.

So pace yourself and only keep going when you're comfortable. It does not have to all be done at once. I promise you 2020 is not going anywhere. You would get there and also you don't have to have it all figured out by the first who says everything has to be done by the first. I do think it's important to reflect on 2019 and set intentions for 2020 however, I don't think it needs to be done by the first, right. We can give ourselves some grace and cut ourselves some slack. We don't have to have these like harsh deadlines, which it's a process also, you may find that you don't need to go through all those, all of these parts, yes, they build off of one another, but you may, you may start one section and you may keep writing and writing. I find that you have answered the rest of them and you're good to go. Either way, I'm just saying make this process your own. Take breaks and keep an open and curious mind. This is not intended for you to judge yourself. It is not intended for you to judge others. This is about just having an honest look of how 2019 has gone for you. Okay, cool. Disclaimers, out the door.

2019 Reflections Part 1: 

Okay, so the reflection is broken up into two main sections. Like I said, section one is 2019. What happened? What did we do? And in the second section is 2020. We're going to set our intentions. What do we want to happen? Okay, so this first section, there's three parts, okay? Um, so it's going to ask you to reflect on 2019 as a whole. You're going to reflect on what went well, what you would have liked to be different, or even what your support looked like over 2019. Roughly it takes about 30 minutes to complete. But again, you do not have to do it all in one sitting and you can break it up. So part one is all about how would you describe 2019? Here's what I want you to take out, a sheet of paper or notebook, flip to a new page, take your phone, put it on do not disturb and set the timer for 10 minutes. Yes, 10 whole minutes. Put on a favorite song or something. And then I want you to reflect on how like the question, how would you describe 2019? Maybe you need some additional questions to help get you going. So here they are. What went well for you in 2019 like what did you really like about 2019. What didn't go so well about 2019 like you could've left it, you could've changed it, whatever. How would you describe your feelings over this past year?

What are some things that you are most proud of in 2019? what are some things that you wish you would have done better? What are some projects that you never got to do but you wanted to do or finish? Right? And whatever else comes to mind write that down and you're probably like these questions are a little bit redundant. That's on purpose because sometimes we need things to be asked a different way in order to jog different things. I just want you to let yourself write. Just do not let the pen move it from the paper until that timer is up. And yes, I do not suggest that you type this out. I suggest that you write it out by hand because there's something different that happens when you're doing this by hand versus typing. But if you only have your phone or a laptop or a computer is better to do it and to not do it. Okay, so just take 10 minutes, dump it all out and you might need to press pause on this episodes cause I'm going to keep going for the sake of the episode, but after you have dumped all of that out about how you would describe 2019 then we're going to move on to the next part.

2019 Reflections Part 2: 

Hmm. Excuse me. So part two would be how did you show up in 2019 like now that you have an idea of how this past year went. Overall, I want you to spend a few minutes thinking about how you showed up over the past 12 months. So you're going to take out a new sheet of paper or turn to a new paper, open a new document. You're going to set the timer again for another 10 minutes and you're going to answer the main question of how did you show up in 2019 so you might be like, huh? What do you mean? So in general, how did you feel every day in 2019 I don't mean you go through each every day and "that day I felt this and this day I felt that" like overall what comes up? How did you feel every day? How would you describe your behaviors everyday?

Like what did you do? Did you have routines that you have a morning routine that you have a writing routine or night routine? I don't know. Like were there certain days that you did certain activities, certain things that you had to do? How did you behave in class? At work? Writing groups? How would you motivate yourself in writing? What role did you play on committees? And other group activities, like if you were a part of, I dunno, some types of organizational boards or anything, organization groups or anything like that, what would you say your typical role was in that group? Um, if you were still taking classes and you had group assignments, how would you describe your role in that? Um, how did you feel when you were on campus, at home, with loved ones and did you like in general, do you feel like you behave like your ideal self?

How so? If not like what was the difference? Right. So these questions can be a bit more challenging to answer cause they like ask you to go there. But remember, we're not judging ourselves. There is no right or wrong answer or way to do this. This is just really helping you to get more in tuned with your emotions and your behaviors over the past 12 months. And so really take 10 minutes or longer to just write out everything that's coming to your mind and then we'll move on to part three. Okay. So press pause and come back when you're ready.

2019 Reflections Part 3:

Part three. What did your support look like in 2019? Y'all, I know these questions, they get more, ohh they get, they, were going there because you need to know a real picture of how things are. And listen, do not get caught up in what you didn't have. I want you to talk about what happened. I'm gonna say it again. Do not get caught up in what you didn't have or what so-and-so should have done. I want you to think about factually, if, if you were a quote unquote neutral observer, how would you write the things that happened? Right? We need people. That's why this part is important. We need people and we have to know like what the people in our lives, what that looks like and what, what has that been doing for us? So you got to take out another sheet of paper or flip to a new page or open a new document. You're going to set your timer again for 10 minutes. You're gonna put on your favorite song. Maybe you need a refill, I'm not sure. But then you want to spend the next 10 minutes really thinking about what does support look like for you over the past 12 months?

How did you spend your time with loved ones? Did you belong to any writing or accountability groups? If so, how would you describe those experiences? How did you allow your community, community to show up and support you? This is a very important question. Let me say it again. How did you allow your community to show up and support you? Right. A lot of times we get caught up and we think, Oh, um like, I'm there for everyone. I'm the strong friend. I don't need help. But then you feel real resentful for not getting any help because people are not showing up for you. But we also have to take responsibility for people not showing up. Are we creating easy avenues for them to show up for us? Are we telling people what we need? Do you know what you need? So that's where this question is coming from and all these questions really.

Um, what were the things that you asked for support and help with? Did you ask people to do, like did you directly ask people to do things for you or to show up for you? What were those ways and what were things you wish people knew about you during the past 12 months? Were there a particular difficult times in this 12 months. I'm sure there were that maybe many people didn't know about. Is there something you just wish they understood about the dissertation process or your chair or whatever? Write that out here. So let's just continue to write for the next 10 minutes. Take a note of any emotions that may be coming up for you and you write those down because that would be important. And before going on to the next section, which is 2020 I want you to celebrate. I want you to clap it up for yourself because it is difficult to answer these questions, like to really reflect on these things like I am sure a lot is coming up and so take a break. We don't need to go into 2020 yet. Just take a break. Okay. When you're ready, then resume this episode and we will get started on 2020.

2020 Intentions Part 1: 

Okay, so section two 2020 intentions. Now we looked at 2019 we reflected on how we would describe it, how we showed up, what our actions look like, what did our support look like? What, how do we feel right? We talked about all the things of 2019 now as much as possible, I want you to push that to the side a little bit, right? Cause now you have an idea. We have an understanding of what this past 12 months. But here's the thing, we can't go back and change 2019 it's over. It's done. All we have is the present, right? What we can do is set intentions in 2020 based on the information and the data we have about 2019 so this next section, that's what we're going to do.

I really want to invite you to dream about who do you want to be and what do you need in order to be that person you want to be and who can help you get there? So who do you want to be? What do you need to do to be that person and who can help you get there? Overall, again, the section is going to take 30 minutes, just like the last one. Remember, you don't have to do it all in one sitting. You can break it up. Okay, so part one. What do you want? It's such a simple question, right? Such a simple question. It is such difficult question at times though, right? Like we often get caught up in thinking about what is going wrong or what we want to change. I'm sure we go back and read your 2019 reflection. A lot of that is happening, right? But instead of, we don't give ourselves enough time to think about what do we want instead? Like, cause it's easier to say I don't like this, that's wrong. Change it. It's much more difficult to think about this is what I do want, this is how I prefer it to be. That's what we're doing in this part one. Right? So what do you want? Well, you may say something like, I want to graduate. I want to become doctor. Um, what about the time to get there? Cause yes, that's going to happen. Yes, you're going to finish your dissertation. Yes. You're going to successfully defend it. Yes, you're going to graduate. Yes people are going to be calling you doctor. But what is going to happen before you get there? The journey there in between like we have time that's not gonna happen tomorrow. I mean maybe it is.

Maybe your defense is tomorrow. But like before we like often just think about the destination but not the route to the destination. That's the bulk of this, right? So take out a sheet of paper, flip to a new page, open a new document, set your phone to do not disturb and set the timer for 10 minutes. Put on some music and respond to the following. By December, 2020, it would be nice if what? What would be nice? What would you like to do? Would you like a certain amount of publications? Would you like to get physically fit? Would you like to have a good supporter for any group? Would you like to be nominated for dissertation of the year? Would you like to travel to another country? Would you like to change assistantships? Would you like to switch from or to a new or a full time job? Would you like to get a puppy? I want a puppy. That's why I put that in there. But like what do like what are some things that come to mind? What do you want? If if like time wasn't a factor, if you had unlimited resources, support, if there was no way that you could possibly fail, right? What would you want? So you're going to take some time, answer that question right? And once you feel like you have a good list going, then I want you to review that list and I want you to think about from the list of things I named, what are the top three things that I would want? Remember we're doing this as if there was no way that we could possibly fail. As if we would have all the things that we need in order to achieve this. If it was going to be easy, what are the top three things that you would do in 2020? Write them down on a new sheet of paper and go to part two.

2020 Intentions Part 2:

Now part two asks you, who do you have to be to get what you want? So you have these three things on this new sheet of paper, right? And you probably are feeling a little bit excited about it. Like, yes, I could do this, right? I, know doubt is creeping his head around the corner. I know, but I want you to stay with me for a minute. I want you to think about who do you have to be in order to achieve these things. And maybe you don't know, right? Maybe like, I don't know, you maybe have some general idea, but it may be more helpful to look to other people, right? So I want you to think about all of those people who you see, you know, on the Facebooks and the Instagrams, right? Or people in your program or your institution who seem to be like killing the game. Like every time you look as a new publication, they get a new award. They in a new, I don't know, event somewhere. They just seem like they got it all together. I want you to imagine what you think their lives are like. Imagine what helps them to be so successful. Like, like who are they? How do they show up? What do you think they do in their mornings? What do you think they say to themselves when they're having periods of doubt? Yes, they are human, they doubt themselves. So what do you think it's like to be them? Take five minutes to answer that. To really think about who do you think these people are and then think about yourself. If you were like them or if you were the quote unquote perfect PhD student, how would you need to behave? Right? And you think about these three goals that you want to accomplish.

What would you need to do every day? How would you need to show up? How would you be in class? How would you be in writing? What would you be doing throughout your day? Like, what would be some things that you would want to, um, what would be some things you would accomplish if you're completely caught up and you were feeling refreshed, knowing what you know now with all the time that you've been in the program, who would you be like when you think about 2019, you know, we reflected on who you were and how you showed up. What are some things you think you would need to do for 2020 in order to achieve these three goals and be the person you want to be? Okay. So once you have that, I want you to go to the next page. Again, write down, here are my three goals I wanted to do in 2020. This is who I want to be in 2020 and this is how I want to behave. I want you to write that down very clearly for yourself. Okay? Then we're going to move on to part three.

2020 Intentions Part 3: 

Now part three. It's the final part of this reflection. Who do you need to help you? Remember we need people. We cannot do this by ourselves. You cannot do this alone. No matter how much you want to or think you should. Okay. Nobody does big things on their own. Like the people at the top are not by themselves. Okay. Even if it looks like they are, they're not. It's a whole group and team of people like look at Oprah. She would not be Oprah without Gail. There is no way she would've made it this far. I know it's that way and there's no way, I was like psychologically she would've made it this far so you can do it alone. And so we forget to teach people, right. I was talking about this, we forget to teach people how to help us and we think they should just know or we expect them to show up the same way that we show up for them. And most of the time, like people in our lives, they really do want to help us and want to be supportive, um, to us, but they just don't know how to do it right. Especially our family and friends who are not in academia, they have no idea how to help you. They just really excited that you're doing something like only a few people in the world do, but they have no idea how to help you cause they don't think they relate to you anymore. And so we do have to do our due diligence in like communicating with people in a direct way of saying, Hey, this is what I need. However, oftentimes we don't know what we need because we're not used to practicing that. We're not used to saying, Hey could you help me in this way? So I want you to take out for this next, these last 10 minutes, you know, new page, cutting off phones, turning on music, all the things right.

When you think about what you want for 2020 and who you want to be, how can people help you get there? What access do you need? You need information? Do you need an introduction? What do you need? What type of support do you need? Like, and it doesn't always have to be this big thing. It could be like can somebody bring you food when you're writing? Do you need help with that? Like if you have exams coming up and you just need to be focused, like is there a way that your friends can sign up each day to bring you food? Can someone help you by sending a text message to make sure that you did what you were supposed to do? Like going to that yoga class or making sure you take a shower, you know, would it be easy to like ask your sister to come over and help you with your laundry or do you need like a peer review team that reviews your drafts before you send it to your committee? Is there someone who can help you by like coming and just sitting with you and being with you when anxiety and depression has taken over. Like you have a system where you feel it coming on and you or you wake up and you just know its one of those days. Is there like a system where you can start up and you send a certain emoji to your friend and they just know that just means they need to come over and be with you.

Think of all the ways that you can use support in your life and who could be the ideal person for that? And listen, I hear you. I see you. Do not think that you're a burden. You're not a burden. Remember what I said? People want to help you. They don't know how to help you. Let them help you. Let them bring you food. Let them send you that text message. Let them come sit with you. Let them help you. You help people. Let them help you. They want to give back. I promise you. Okay? Once you have that done, then it's a celebration time. Okay? That's it. That's the end of the year reflection. How are you feeling? You know, I love to ask that question. How are you feeling? Remember this, its meant to be a multi-day process. Sure you can do it in one sitting, but should you do it in one sitting?

Final Thoughts:

That's really the question, but I would really be curious to know what came up for you, if you had any ahh haas or anything as you were doing this? But most of all, I just, I want you to know that I believe that you can have it all. Like you can finish this program and have your health and your joy and your sanity. You can do this process. I already believe that it's a foregone conclusion, but I also believe you don't have to give up yourself in order to become doctor. You don't have to give up your health and joy and your peace to get this degree. I believe you can have it all in that sense. So that's gonna do it for me today, for this year, for 2019. I can not believe it. The year is over y'all. When you hear from me again, it's going to be a whole new year, a whole new decade. I'm excited, but that's going to be all. Um, I'm going to go watch some Disney Plus and enjoy my free time. Okay. I will talk to you later. Thank you for joining in for today's office hours. Make sure you come on Instagram and tag me @Marvette Lacy, let me know what your thoughts were on today's episode. Until next time, do something to show yourself some love. I'll talk to you next week. Bye for now.