Episode 69: Community Over Anything

Introduction: 

Hey friend, the time has come to finish your dissertation, graduate and become doctor. Welcome to office hours with Dr. Lacy where we talk about how to finally master this time management thing so you can stay on top of it without losing your mind. Every Wednesday you can find a new episode wherever you listen to podcasts, make sure you hit the subscribe button to make sure you never miss an episode. I'm Dr. Marvette Lacy your dissertation writing strategist here to be with you along every step of the way. I would like to thank you for coming to today's office hours. Let's get started on today's episode. Hey, how's writing going? I know you don't like the question, but let me tell you, when you join the finish your dissertation program, you will love that question. Clients often report feeling excited and joyful to go into their process even before they even get to the dissertation process, and that's what I'm inviting you to do. I'm inviting you to come inside the group and join us so that you can get the structure you need and the tools that will help you to show up consistent and disciplined in your process. All you need to do is come on over to Marvette lacy.com/apply and sign up for the wait list and you will be the first notified when doors are open. See you soon.

Protect Your Peace:

Hello. Welcome back to a new week's episodes. I am here. I am drinking my water. Sir is sleeping. Let's cross our fingers and hope that he continues to sleep so that I can record this episode with the least amount of noise as possible. You'll still hear noise outside. Cause you know, I live in a very loud place, but hopefully I'll be leaving soon because I'm over all the noise, but anyway, that is not, not what this week is about. This week is about we're continuing the conversation about what it means to protect your peace and how to process all of the emotions that you may be experiencing right now. The ways that I've been enjoying protecting my peace is that I have started back watching Sex and the City. Cause I got an HBO subscription cause I wanted to finish insecure and see the finale. And then I was like, well, I might as well catch up on some shelves and I love Sex and the City. And you know, but there's something about going back and watching shows before you became woke, because let me tell you, I mean, I feel like you can't truly love a thing if you can't be critical of it. And that is true for the media that we consume. Even if it is something as what I thought going to be mindless sex and the city that, you know, you can never cut it off cause once know better. Right? It's you see it? It's just lights up. So I'm trying to do my best to cut my brain off.

Just enjoy the show for what it is. Have me a good beverage or two. Lately I've been doing maple crown. That's been my beverage of choice. I tried the whole like white claw situation that some of told me about, you know, some things I'm just going to be like, we just going leave it at the store. Is it awful? No. Will I purchase it again? Probably not. Especially when I'm not really over here watching nobody's carbs. So I just feel like it doesn't make sense. It's like if you don't know what a white claw is, just imagine that you took a LaCroix or like sparkling water and you added vodka to it. That's what it tastes like just old stale top lit shadow vodka. Okay. That is not what this episode is about. I've also been doing more walks outside with Sir. Um, a lot of you know, that I've been working on this goal to finish a half marathon before the year's over. And so, so far I'm at about six miles, half marathon is 13.1 miles. And so I don't have to do, I'm not necessarily looking to do it at an official race. I just said that by the end of this year, I would have walked crawled, ran 13.1 miles at one time on purpose. So that's what I've been working on. It that's really been helpful to be outside and have some time to reflect and to really think about and be intentional about like how I want to move forward.

And it is, I mean, I'm not going to lie. It's been challenging, you know, stay at home or stay in place by myself. Sir helps. Absolutely. And he can't really talk to me. And so sometimes I do hit a wall and I'm just like, Oh, I could just have somebody I know and love in real life. I would feel so much better. Um, but then I just go into a place of, I do allow myself to feel whatever those emotions are that come, that come up, like and to hold space for myself and to be empathetic towards myself. And I also go into a place of gratitude and it's not like I immediately jump to gratitude. I do allow myself to process. And I make sure that I do I don't go too long before going into a place of gratitude so that it just gives perspective. It helps me to continue doing what I've been doing. So that's, what's really been going on with me. You know, my life hasn't really changed too much in the quarantine because I'm kind of a hermit anyway, but the not seeing the people part has really been impacting me. So I'm just keep pushing forward. But I don't know I'm going to continue this conversation with y'all because these emails that I've written has helped me, has helped y'all, it's helped clients. And so I thought it'd just be a good refresher to share with you all in a podcast in case you are not on the email list and or the Facebook group.

Processing Guilt & Shame: 

So let's pick up where we left off from last week. So we're going to get into some more processing of emotions and some thoughts that you may be having. And this first one, instead I kept, when I was having a conversation with people on Instagram or in my coaching group, finish your dissertation. People just kept saying like, I feel like I should be doing more. I should be doing more. I should be outside with the people or I should be donating more money or I should be helping in some way, but I had this dissertation I need to write and I feel selfish. And I feel like there's more important things that I should be doing. Going back to this thought of I should be doing more. And so I wrote email to talk about what you're, when you say, I should be doing more. What you're really saying. Well, let's do some definitions first. So guilt, guilt means I have done something wrong or bad. Shame means I am bad or wrong, right. Guilt and shame are useless emotions. They have no one. All the guilt and shame won't help you feel better or anyone feel better. It won't change anything.

Guilt and shame are naturally emotions though. When you use the word should it automatically denotes shame and guilt. When you say, should you usually feel shame and guilt, when you feel guilt and shame, you usually do things to try to make yourself feel better. Like watch Netflix, eat a whole pack of cookies, smoke the whole day away, knit a whole sweater set, avoid your dissertation, isolate from other people, insert your favorite action here. I'm not sure what it is that you do. These are some things that I see people do and I do myself, right? When we are in a deep spiral of shame and guilt, however, none of these things will help you or anyone else feel better. Instead you end up feeling worse than you did before you did all those things to try to make yourself feel better. And you are no closer to doing more, to help the people on the ground. Right?

Reframe Your Thoughts: 

So instead of saying, I should be doing more, reframe your thought and try what is one thing that could do today to help one thing, one small thing that you can do, because that one thing will add up to a larger impact. And our collective one thing together, will be more than enough to help the world heal and to help the world move towards liberation. So what is your one thing that you can do for today? So when you find yourself saying, I should be doing more, I want you to tell yourself I'm going to feel shame and guilt, which is going to lead me to do some action that I think will make me feel better, but won't make me feel better. And it still won't be me helping anyone else. So instead of saying, I should be doing more, ask yourself, what is one thing I can do right now that's in my control. Going back to last week, how can you use your roles, your influence, and your agency to do one thing today to help people be of service. Be an example of what's possible. That was the spirit in which that email was written from.

Arguing With Reality: 

This next email is called arguing with reality. We can not control other people. We cannot change the past. We cannot do away with reality. All we can do is accept reality for what it is. Instead of circumstances, we get to decide how we want to think and feel about those circumstances. You don't have to be at the mercy of your thoughts and emotions instead of wasting your energy, trying to argue with what is and what was, dream about the possibilities of what could be. We have more say so on what will be, we can decide to show up in a way that will have a large impact on what the future could look like. We can be an example of what's possible for those who look, think, and feel like us. What could the future be like for you? So I wrote this because a lot of times when I'm talking with people and they're like, well, you don't understand. And it's just so hard out here for us. And they don't understand and they don't care and we can try to make them care, but really what's the point. And it becomes overwhelming. You just say, fuck it, I give up. And I'm asking you in this email is don't argue with reality. Don't argue with what happened before, who people are by going back to that spirit of what I talked about last week, when you're coming from a spirit or energy of trying to force something and force it to change, then that we rarely works. Like, and if it does work, it's not going to be lasting.

Instead of coming from that energy come from the energy what can I do? How can I be an example for other people to learn from? Because you trying to be in conversation and force people to see things your way that's not gonna work. A way more effective strategy is to show people what it could be. Because here's the thing. When you're trying to force people to be a certain way and to say certain things and they, and you are so upset and frustrated all they see is that oh you became a social justice warrior and it made you angry. It made you unhappy and made you miserable. So why would I want to become like you and be miserable when you reframe that and you living your best life, being you out here, fighting for liberation that changes people like, Oh, how do you do that? I want to, I want more of that. Tell me what to do. You win people over with influence, not forcing people to be something that they don't want to be. First, you have to accept. That's their reality. That's how they see things. You can't change them, but you could influence them. You could show them why this is important with your actions with how you are, how you show up in the world. A lot of times people get caught up and using jargon and using particular words and having things being said and done in a way they think it should happen.

First, Start With Yourself: 

And you forget that you're also a person who's growing and who's developing. And who also has some unlearning to do, who also has some things that they need to interrogate. That's where you start. That's how you make the largest impact by starting with yourself and thinking about what are some things that I may need to learn? What are some things that I may need to do for my own healing to process my own path and my own experiences and the ways that I've been harmed and the way that I harmed others. That's the work. That's the true work, but people don't want to do that work. Most of y'all are not going to want to do that work cause it's painful. It's painful to go look at it and look at your past and look at your scars and your wounds, and like examine that and process that, we much rather be yelling and screaming and trying to force people to do what we want them to do. So I'm going to encourage you, protect your peace, interrogate yourself. And most importantly, dream about what the future could be given equal airtime to if you're going to sit here and talk about how the world is, shit, you have to spend the same amount of time and have that same energy of talking about but how the world could change and how you could be a part of that change. That is where this email was coming from.

Waiting For The End: 

And then this last email is titled waiting for the end. It's a series of questions that I want to conclude today's episode with. When will this be over? When will we go back to normal? When will we move on from this? What exactly are we rushing to get back to what is normal and for whom who gets to move on? Will there just be another murder next week. Will we continue to say the same shit over and over again? Will we just be defeated? What if this is it? What if this is the way life will always be? What if nothing ever changes? What can we do instead? Who do we need to be to still maintain peace, and joy how can we be of service to ourselves and to others? How can we tap into faith and hope to bring light, to drive out the darkness? What is one thing we can do today? Who can we be in service of today? What will you do today?

Final Thoughts: 

So I want to leave you with that today and a series of questions to ask yourself, and I'm going to come back next week with the last part of this email series. And if you are at all interested in having these emails, we're making it into a little small PDF that you can download for free. Come on over to Marvette lacy.com. You should be able to download it there. You should see a little banner at the top that says, download the protect your peace, um, workbook. And you'll get on the email list. So you never miss another email. Plus you'll have these emails to remind you when things seem really dark and seem overwhelming, how you can move forward by just thinking of one thing that you can do today to be in service to yourself and to others. So that is all I have this week. Please continue to protect your peace. Please continue to practice all the joy in the world. I will talk with you next week. Bye for now, Hey, you ready to take this work further. Then it is time for you to join the finish your dissertation program. Finally get the tools, resources, and structure you need to show up consistent and disciplined in your process. All you need to do is come on over to Marvettelacy.com/apply and join the finish your dissertation waitlist. I'll see you there. Bye for now. Thank you. Before joining in for today's office hours, make sure you come on Instagram and tag me at Marvette Lacy. Let me know what your thoughts were on today's episode until next time, do something to show yourself some love. I'll talk to you next week. Bye for now.