Introduction: 

Hey friend, the time has come to finish your dissertation, graduate and become doctor. Welcome to office hours with Dr. Lacy where we talk about how to finally master this time management thing so you can stay on top of it without losing your mind. Every Wednesday you can find a new episode wherever you listen to podcasts. Make sure you hit the subscribe button to make sure you never miss an episode. I'm Dr. Marvette Lacy, your dissertation writing strategist here to be with you along every step of the way and I would like to thank you for coming to today's office hours. Let's get started on today's episode.

Hello, happy Wednesday everyone. So excited to come back to you with a new solo episode. It feels a little bit strange because I haven't recorded a podcast in so long. Um, if you are new to me or you don't know, part of my process for podcast episodes, blog posts, most things around my business, I do batching, meaning I do a lot of recording or a lot of writing all at once. And then I schedule them out. And the podcast is no different. And the episodes you, the solo episodes you listened to, the previous maybe three were live videos, three or four we're live videos. So I haven't actually sat down to record a solo episode in probably two to three months. So it feels just a little bit strange. I'm just getting my bearings back. Um, also because I want to let you know that I'm not perfect. I actually thought there was an episode already recorded for today and it's not. And so I am on the day before this is supposed to release. I'm recording it. I just wanted to, you know, speak my truth to let you know that folks are not out here doing everything perfectly all the time, especially in a midst of a pandemic. Um, so if you are listening to this, not in real time and it's many seasons later, I recorded this during the COVID-19, but this is not about that because I'm pretty sure that most of you are tired of hearing about it, talking about it.

Finish Your Dissertation Program: 

But I wanted to say that in this recording for the sake of history, you know. Um, so today what are we discussing? Um, if you don't know, I, my signature program that I have is called finish your dissertation and it is a group online experience that gives you the structure, the tools that you need, um, in order to show up consistently in your dissertation process. Um, I am side note considering a name change. Um, maybe cause we're starting to get more students who are not, it's a fun fact. We are getting more students who are not in the dissertation process yet, but who want to, their goal is they're still in course work and they want to be prepared for that time. So they want to be around other people who are currently working on their dissertation and they just want to start developing the habits necessary. So that when they do get to the exam process or the dissertation phase, they can be set to go. Because I really look at it as like when you write your dissertation, there's like two areas or main areas that you are focusing on. The first area is yes, what is the topic, the content of your dissertation, all those technical pieces.

But the other part is all the habits you need to have and develop in order to make your process one that is as peaceful and joyful as possible. So I think it's very smart of those students who are currently engaged in coursework and really wanting to work on those habits because those habits will not only serve you during the dissertation process, but they're, they're going to serve you doing coursework. And so I think I'm, I just think they're, they're so smart. So I say that to say the signature program that I do have, it's finished your dissertation. We have students from all ranges of first year to about to defend their dissertation. And it really is this, you know I mentioned before about the structure and the tools. You think about it in this way. You were in class for 20 plus years. A lot of you, right? We have K through 12 we have undergrads, some of you have masters and then you get into your doctoral program, right? And you've been used to going to class and getting a syllabus and someone telling you exactly what it is that you need to do and then you get to the dissertation part and they're like, okay, well it's been nice. Now you can go off and figure out how to do this on your own and your brain freaks out because what it knew school to be structured wise, even if you are not you know consciously aware of the structure, you become painfully aware of it. When you get into dissertation phase and in theory all the free time and unstructured time seems like a blessing. But when you get into the middle of it you're like, no I don't. I don't know what I'm doing so I'm going to do nothing. And that is how like some people can get into letting weeks and months and semesters and years go by without making progress on their dissertation because they cannot handle not having the structure. And so this program gives you that structure so that you can show up at your best, have the support you need and be accountable to finishing your dissertation. If you are at all interested in joining, come on over to Marvettelacy.com/apply APPLY and that is you're going to apply to be into the program.

We do not just let anyone in. We are very selectful, selectful is that a word? Selective, um, about who we allow into the group because we got a good vibe going and we don't want someone with negative Juju or someone who's not willing to put in the work or someone who's going to question everything or be defensive. Not to say questions are not a good thing or not invited. But if you just want to be ornery or defensive just for the sake of like fighting, no, we want people who are willing to take massive action to complete their dissertation and we're not saying that you need to have all the answers. We're not even saying that you have to be perfect. We're saying that we want people who are ready, who are, I don't know if I like the language of ambitious, but like we want people who have a uh, go get 'em attitude. I'm, I'm going to do what it takes. I hope that makes sense. Um, so yeah, if you think that would be something for you, what you will do is go over to Marvette lacy.com/apply and sign up for your dissertation breakthrough session. What this session does is it gives us a chance to talk one on one. We meet on zoom. I'm going to ask you some questions about your dissertation, how your experience in your program has been going, how things have been going with your committee, and then I'm going to ask you a lot about what have you been doing.

And then I'm going to, we're going to talk through why those things are not working for you right now and what you would need to do instead to make it work. So think about how you go to the doctor's office and you're like, yeah, I have this and this and this. And they tell you like, Oh, it sounds like it's this. Here's a prescription, right? The doctor doesn't actually help you. They just give you a prescription for the thing that will help or alleviate your symptoms. So that's what this session is. You will walk away being very clear on what it is that you need to do. And then the final thing that we do is determine if we would be a good fit for working with one another. Um, and if you would be a good fit for the finish your dissertation program. So I wanted to take some time to really explain that process and what you can expect. And I look forward to speaking with you soon. So let's get on to today's episode.

Relationships Matter: 

So for the finish your dissertation program. Every month we have a thing that we work on and the thing for April has been all about relationships because it's really simple. I mean you heard me talk about this a few episodes ago when I was talking about community and I just want to finish this to round this out for April. It is to really bring this point home about the importance of relationships. Um, in the previous episode, and I need to look up the number, I was talking more about your community that you have with other doc students and writing community and that still holds true. But I want to broaden this out a little bit to include some other relationships that you may not think about fully, um, during your dissertation process. So it's really simple. It's really simple. We just, we need people and I won't go down the whole road that I did the other, you really should've listened to the episode and as a thought, let me find the number cause I keep mentioning it. Um, it is episode number 56. It came out on April 1st so that was the last episode, the last solo episodes. But in the dissertation process, especially in a dissertation process, we need people, um, relationships like your hard work. Let's take a step back. Do your hard work, your persistence, your courage, got you to the race. It's getting you through the race. But when you get to that last little, that last lap or that last little bit, what is going to get you from one place to the next? Really our relationships, and I used to be someone who was like, mm mm, my hard work is going to speak for itself. I understand that people say relationships are important, but I'm an introvert and I don't want to talk to people. I used to be there and then it became painfully clear to me that relationships are everything. And I don't, I don't want to talk about this as like, you should use people, that people should only be a tool for you to get what you want. No, I mean, when you truly build genuine reciprocal relationships, it just, it does wonders not only for your dissertation but your whole life.

Relationships Within Your Dissertation: 

Right. Um, relationships even determine like in terms of the dissertation process, like something as simple as your paperwork getting signed and submitted to the graduate school in a way depends on your relationship. Right? Cause I mean, I've heard some stories and not to freak anyone out. Like there's just people like chairs and you know, other committee members delaying the process. Um, because it's the way that they can get quote unquote back at you if they don't want to sign the paperwork. So you didn't defend your dissertation and it could be perfect. But if the graduate school never received your paperwork with the signatures, then it didn't count, it doesn't matter like you didn't finish. Um, so that is that it was like a bizarre, not bizarre, but like a, an extreme maybe an example. Um, but it is something that can happen. I just wanted to illustrate how, how the frame I'm coming from with, when I'm talking about relationships, um, that we sometimes, I think about.

Who Are Your People?:

So anyway, people help us throughout all the whole, the whole dissertating and the whole writing process, right? People help us learn about research in the first place. People support us when we're building the confidence in our writing. Like if you go back and read what you've written, some of those first semester, first year courses, honey, listen, you have grown. Okay. There was somebody there though, helping you through that. Somebody there giving you some feedback. Somebody out of love gave you the gift of Hey, you should do this instead of that, um, people hold us accountable for showing up at our best. People are there to celebrate with us along the way. People are a part of everything that we do. So the question I have for you to consider is who are your people, who are your people in this process and how have you been showing up with your people?

Making Yourself Feel A Type of Way: 

I was having um, uh, a con, like a dissertation breakthrough session with someone and they were talking about, they were doing a group project and they were saying that, you know, some of their group members just wasn't pulling their weight wasn't following, wasn't following up like they were supposed to, they were not meeting deadlines and this person was saying it was all their group members fault, uh, why things was we're not moving as smoothly as they could be. And a lot of our conversation that we had was what are you doing? How are you showing up with them? Right? If you're showing up as someone who's always telling them what they're doing wrong and how they're not meeting this and you're not asking questions, you're making assumption, then you get the energy that you give. So then they show up and they don't meet your, they don't meet your quote unquote deadlines cause you made those deadlines. They don't show up in the way, they don't show up with their with this particular work ethic because that's your view of how they should be working. Right. I believe that it only takes one person to improve or move a relationship in a certain direction and you don't, we can't control other people. We can't make other people do things that we want them to do or not want them to do.

And really it's up to us to change how we're thinking and how we react. That is not even what this podcast is about. But if you want me to go deeper into what I'm saying, cause I know sometimes when I talk about this, people are like, what? I'm sorry, what? No, so-and-so did this and it made me feel this way. And I'm like, no, no one can make you feel anyway. You made yourself feel that way with how you're thinking about the situation. Um, I may have to do a podcast episode on that because I remember that used to trigger me something fierce, uh, growing up when people was like, you need to change their thinking. I'm like, well, if I, if it was that simple, I would do it. But I want you to know, that's the assumption I'm coming off of. If you can manage your mind, manage your emotions, manage how you show up, manage how you communicate with people, right? So when you're managing your thoughts and your feelings, it allows you to come from a place where you know exactly what you want and you can express yourself in a clearer way for the other person to understand what it is that you want. A lot of times we think we're being clear and we think we're being direct and we're not. You may feel all of that on the inside and you may have all these thoughts, but what actually comes out is things that are vague and like the person who's on the receiving end kinda has an idea of what you want, but not really.

How Are You Showing Up?: 

So that was a quick side rant. But I say that in terms of this question of how are you, how have you been showing up with your people? Those are some things to think about. How are you been showing up? The things that you wish from your people or you wish they would do more of or you're frustrated with. I want you to turn that around and say, how are you showing up in the same ways? Because usually when we are experiencing something like that, especially with people who are close to us, if we're frustrated with someone else or we want some, it's usually a projection. We're usually projecting our own. It doesn't always have to be like negative side of things. It could also be like the amazing side of things too. Either way it's all projection is all our thoughts and so in order for our relationships to improve, we then have to ask ourselves how do we may need to improve or what may we need to do differently? Right. Me I what do I need to do different for this relationship? And it's not that it's not about people pleasing, it's not about you're, you are going around and you're going to do everything to make this person happy. It's more about self reflection so that you can become more aware of who you are, how you show up and how that may be impacting what's happening in your relationship. But let me know, come on over to Instagram. I'm at Marvette Lacy. Let me know if you want me to go deeper on this topic. Um, because that, I know I've been talking but that's not what this episode is for. So that's the central question we've been discussing in the finish your dissertation program. Um, we've have been discussing and assessing the relationships that are the most critical to the students finishing their dissertation and really have been challenging them and engaging them in discussion around how do they want to show up in those relationships, which has been very interesting.

Relationship Writing Exercise:

Um, so let's see, week one of April, we focus on the relationship, their own personal relationship they have with themselves. Cause that's the first and arguably the most important relationship. Um, two we focus on the relationships with the dissertation committees and that's what we've been talking about for the past week. This week we're going to be talking about relationships with fellow peers, other doc students. Next week we are going to be talking about relationships with loved ones, family, friends, right. People who support us throughout the dissertation process. They may not quite get it, but they're just like, they're over here just waiting to celebrate when you say you're doctor. And then the last and final week but not least um of April, we are going to be talking about relationships that you have with mentors, coaches, other leaders, people who are in it with you, giving you some advice. Um, and these relationships can tend to be more transactional. All these relationships can be transactional, but really encouraging people to think about, um, the following questions, which I encourage you if you have a pen and paper and take some notes. I want you to think about a particular relationship. So, um, I can tell you the categories again. Maybe it's the relationship with yourself, maybe it's the relationship with your committee. Maybe it's the relationship with other doc students, maybe its relationship with particular family member or a loved one. And then maybe it's a relationship with a mentor or coach or spiritual leader. Something someone, I mean. I want you to think about that relationship, that person.

Question 1:

And then I want to, I want you to ask yourself, what does this relationship mean to me? So what does it mean to you to have this person in your life and to be a part of your experience?

Question 2: 

The second question is, what would I like to keep, stop, and start doing in this relationship? So what are some things that you want to keep happening? Like you just love it, you want more of it or you want it to maintain. What are some things that you want to stop? Like you're like no more of that. Cut that out. Um, and what are some things that you may want to start in this relationship?

Question 3: 

Question number three is how can I ask this person to support me during my dissertation process? A lot of times we want help, but we have a lot of shame and guilt around asking for help. And so we end up building a lot of what ifs in our head and going back and forth. Um, and then when we eventually built up the courage to go ask the person for help, we don't know how to tell them to help us. We're just like, you have no idea how much mental energy it took me to even ask you for help. Right? It's like I did it, I won. And that's really just like the beginning of it. When you ask someone for help, you have to tell them how you want them to help you. And a lot of us don't give ourselves enough time and space to really figure out how can someone help me? Like what are the very clear ways? Is it that they um, order me something to eat? Is it that they text me at a certain time? Do we have a standing like coffee chat? Like what are some ways that people could help you? So that's question number three.

Question 4: 

Question number four is how can I allow them to support me during my dissertation process? Right? So I just talked about asking is one thing, but then being very clear about the ask is another thing. And then allowing them to actually help you. Right? Cause some of us can ask and be very direct about the ask. But then when someone goes to do the thing that we asked them to do, then we have even more guilt and shame around, Oh, I, I don't, I'm a burden to them. Or I don't want you to feel obligated like we start like if you got time, it's okay if you don't. I understand. Right? We keep trying to, we put so much um energy and effort into telling them that it's okay for them to say no that we don't even consider what could it be like, right to, um, allow them to say yes. Like not that you can control them, but like really just sitting there and waiting for their answer and letting their yes be yes and not making up these stories that we think we're, it's an obligation or that we're a burden to the person. People want to help you. You have to allow them to help you. You don't have to go above and beyond with the worrying and stress because they did help you because otherwise, why did you ask them to help you? If you were going to use the time or the energy they freed up for you to sit there and worry, right? You might as well just did your thing if you're gonna not use the time in a way that will help you the most.

Question 5: 

Uh, and the number, the last question, number five is how can I support them during my process? So just as we are asking for help and we're being very direct, you can also think of how may you support them because the people, especially the loved ones who live with us, who are the closest with us throughout this process, they're going through the process as well. You're not going through it alone. They're going through it as well. They are with you up late at night. They're hearing you constantly talk about all your ideas for your dissertation and this article you read over here and this conversation you had and this conversation or this conference you want to go to, they have heard it all. They're not interested though. They're interested in you and they love you. So that's why they listen. But they don't really care about how you're nerding out unless they are also um, in the doc program or they finished their doctoral degree in the same area and they love it just as much as you do. Like they don't want to talk to you, but they do it out of love. And so how can you remember that? Just how you are tired. Just how you get stressed out. Just how you have the highs and you're celebrating. They're right there with you. So how can you also support them? Not get stuck in the story and make it about you in terms of the guilt or the shame, but really thinking how can you help them? Can you make them a favorite meal? Can you call them out the blues as to say, I appreciate you. Can you send them a card? Can you do something to help? And it doesn't have to always be something that requires money. You are the best person who knows what that person will need. And so just thinking about how can you just show them some support. Right.

Relationship With Your Committee: 

Here's some other things I want to talk about. Um, so when we think about, I want to focus on the relationships that you have with your dissertation committee. Um, cause out of all of these, um, at this to me where I think people don't give themselves enough time to think about, right? You just think like, okay, I need to have these three to five people that I go and ask to be on my committee. And it becomes this like peripheral thing. Like you don't, um, a lot of clients or students that I talked to, they just see their committee as like fixtures, almost like not people to engage with, not people to communicate regularly with like, I'm only going to see you twice. I may see you when I talk about my proposal or prospectus or Imma see you when I defend my dissertation, that's it. I don't need to talk to you in between time. Um, and so you get to your, you know, you get to the proposal part or you get to defending the dissertation and there's a committee member who starts to flip out cause they don't understand why you did something the way you did it. And now you're having a whole conversation at a very, um, monumental moment. Cause when you're at, uh, talking about your proposal or defending your dissertation, those are big moments. And if you have someone on your committee who was completely blindsided, that's gonna cause some issues. Um, or yeah, that's the most common thing that I see. And so the one big way to prevent that or circumvent that is to maintain constant communication with your committee. Yes, your chair is the person who is a driving the bus, so to speak.

They are the one leading the process. However, your committee still needs to be kept abreast of about things that you are doing. So maybe your chair doesn't want you to send them an incomplete draft, but you can send them periodic updates. Right, and it's not, it doesn't have to be anything long. It could be something really short and cute once a month to say, Hey, committee members just wanted to let you know where I am this month. I'm working on chapter two I'm almost finished. I'm really proud of the work that I'm doing. Chair thinks we're moving in the right direction. I can't wait for you all to read it. I hope you're well. Stay blessed bye. Whatever you say in your emails, right? It doesn't have to be this long thing, but you want to just practice establishing consistent communication. Again, if, remember, it's a relationship that you're going to have and you're, you know, you have no idea what the relationships for your committee. You have no idea how, what lasting impact that's going to have, right? Some of you are in fields and programs where you have to maintain this relationship with your committee because not only are they signing paperwork for your dissertation, but when you go get postdoc positions or you want to publish something or you want to get a job like they have, they have to be references and so how can you maintain just good rapport with them. And one easy way to do that is consistent updates and I suggest once a month, little short notes just so they know where you are and they can plan accordingly.

Ask Your Committee Members About Their Updates: 

Um, two you also want to get an idea of what's going on with them. Um asking them if they have any updates, any, um, any dates that you need to be aware of, any time that they're going to be away from the office. Right. A lot of, um, faculty, they go off a contract in the summer. Some of them don't teach in the summer. What that may mean for you then is if you're planning to defend anything in the summer, you may not be able to because all of your committee members won't be available. Because some of them will be off of contract. You would need to, um, you would need to know some of those things, right? But if you're waiting right before it's time to schedule the defense and they say, Hey, I won't be there and you, you're disappointed cause now you have to wait two, three months. Yeah, that's hard. And it could have been prevented if you like kept communication open.

Um, I would caution though, unless your chair supports this, I will caution you from sending incomplete drafts to your committee members. They have things to do. They got things to do. They don't want to read your drafts unless they told you to send it to me. Right? So it's different. Like for instance, if your methodologist told you, I want to see your chapter three, that's different. But if nobody said I wanted to see anything or you don't have a particular question about something, all questions and incomplete drafts, they go to your chair. You do not want to overwhelm your committee and you don't want to overwhelm yourself. What will happen is you will give out these drafts to your committee members and you're going to get three, four different perspectives about what you should do and then you're going to be there, you're going to sit there confused. Cause your going to try to figure out how to make everyone else happy, but you haven't given yourself enough time to even think about what it is that you wanted and what was the argument that you were trying to make and giving yourself enough time to be able to clearly articulate that argument. And a main way that you do that is by going back and forth with your chair first and getting clear and then you talk to your committee. Otherwise you just open the door up for confusion. So no do, do not overwhelm them. Cause again, my first point is they got things to do. They're busy that they cannot serve, they're not there to do the role of your chair, your chair is there to do the role of the chair. Your committee members are there to help give you guidance and support and absolutely ask them very clear questions. And if they want to see things, give it to them. But otherwise just keep it cute and short. Give them an update and see them at the proposal and dissertation defenses.

Relationship with Your Chair: 

All right, now your relationship with your chair, there is a podcast episode that you absolutely should listen to and I am over here trying to find it but it is where I talk about how to set up consistent, very clear meeting and expectations with your chair. If your relationship isn't clear, um, if your relationship isn't clear with your chair, it can completely derail your process. And I tell my clients and students all the time that really it's your responsibility to make sure things are moving forward. Just because your chair is your chair doesn't mean like, um, doesn't mean that they won't get off course right. Cause a lot of them, I mean they have their degree, no shade, just facts. They have their degree, they're not in a rush. Sure they have some motivation for you to finish, but they also have other things to do. I mean we keep going back to that point. They got things to do. It's your responsibility to keep it going, right? Like it's to like keep track of where you are, what's next. Keep it going. So on episode number 28 is what I encourage you to listen to about keeping it's titled, keeping your committee on a schedule.

But I mostly talk about your chair. I do talk about your committee as well. But I give very clear instructions on how to be prepared when you show up with meetings for your chair. Again, nobody wants you to come into their office and just talk nonstop about your ideas and what you think you might want to do. People do not have time for that, number one. Number two, it talks about um, how you can make sure that you and your chair are on the same page about expectations and expectations around meetings. Expectations about writing and feedback. Expectations about what you can expect from them as a chair. Right? Three, um it talks about how you can submit a plan to your chair to say, Hey, here's what I was thinking about. This is what I came up with on my own. What do you think? There's nothing like you showing up to your chair with a plan and being like, I got this. Not that you so attached to a plan and nobody can change it, but people want you to show up with something and if you're not showing up with something they can't help you. So show up with a plan as a starting place for communication. Do not expect them to do all of the work about giving you a timeline and giving you like, here's what you need to do next. This is what you need to do next. No, you have to do some of that work on your own. So listen to that episode.

Final Thoughts: 

Okay, well I just want to wrap it up. We need people. I'm thinking I'm making that very clear between last week's, um, two weeks ago episode, the last little episode and this episode. And I just want to say that it doesn't have to require a lot. What it boils down to is managing your own mind. So your own thoughts and feelings and being very clear in your communication and being direct in your communication. Nothing's going to happen. The world won't explode if you are direct with someone. It's just ensuring that you are all on the same page because you need people for this process and you need them beyond this process. And so don't be a butt hole. I won't curse. Don't be a butt hole to people. Be reciprocal in your relationships. Ask for what you need. Be prepared to receive what you need and be prepared to do the same for others in your life. That is going to do it for today's episode, I would really be curious to know what did you think of it? Come on over to Instagram at Marvette Lacy, let me know and I look forward to talking with you. I will see you next week for a special interview. Bye for now.