Episode 71: Why You Need Support During Dissertation

Introduction: 

Hey friend, the time has come to finish your dissertation, graduate and become doctor. Welcome to office hours with Dr. Lacy where we talk about how to finally master this time management thing so you can stay on top of it without losing your mind. Every Wednesday you can find a new episode wherever you listen to podcasts, make sure you hit the subscribe button to make sure you never miss an episode. I'm Dr. Marvette Lacy your dissertation writing strategist here to be with you along every step of the way. I would like to thank you for coming to today's office hours. Let's get started on today's episode. Hey, how's writing going? I know you don't like the question, but let me tell you, when you join the finish your dissertation program, you will love that question. Clients often report feeling excited and joyful to go into their process even before they even get to the dissertation process, and that's what I'm inviting you to do. I'm inviting you to come inside the group and join us so that you can get the structure you need and the tools that will help you to show up consistent and disciplined in your process. All you need to do is come on over to Marvette lacy.com/apply and sign up for the wait list and you will be the first notified when doors are open. See you soon.

Sir Lacy Updates: 

Hello, everyone. I'm excited to come to you today. It is summer. Every day is above 90 degrees where I am and my side of the world. And I'm just trying to be over here, drinking my water and minding my business. How are you doing? How y'all doing. I'm here, you know, every day, just trying to take care of this puppy, Sir, and try not to kill him because you know, he's still a puppy and he has all the energy and every time like I drop him off at the vet or we meet a new, a new person, because I kind of think that like my clients think I'm exaggerating about his energy level and how much of a handful he is. But then I get validated. I like to come to the vet to board him for a few days when I went out of town and his report on the paper, as well as from the technician was like, Oh, Sir, it's just full of energy. He's just so he's just so excited. And I just take that as code as he's too much. And I'm like, can you imagine, can you imagine me here all alone in quarantine with this puppy who has endless amount of energy and we don't have other puppies to play with, we couldn't go to other people's houses and have play dates. The puppy daycare is not open here. Y'all help me. So any tips that you have about tiring out a puppy that would be greatly appreciated. I got the toys that you had snacks in to keep him busy. I got other toys. It's like puzzles. We go on three walks a day. Y'all three walks a day. We even do training every day. And yet, you know, he just, he got all the energy right now. I tired him out because I, we went outside. We ran around and because it's hot, right? And I'm very careful about making sure we do this. We play in the grass because I'm concerned about his paws because it's so hot. And I don't know if y'all know that, you know, the bottom of their paws are really sensitive.

And if it's, if it's too hot for you to put your own hand on the ground and it's definitely too hot for your dog to walk on that ground. And so I take him to grass areas so he can run around or mostly bite his leash. Cause that's the way his thing is, um, in between running around to get his energy out. And because it's hot, it helps with reducing the energy. So we out there for a few minutes and then we come back in, I give him some ice water. I give him another little puzzle treat. And now he's under the couch sleep. He likes to hide in darkness. He's like a little puppy vampire. Um, so his crate, I have to keep really dark in a dark space in my apartment. And so if he's not in his crate, he's usually under the couch unless it's dark outside and then he'll come out. So that's what he's doing. That was a long explanation about Sir, if you cared about his update, like an update of him, that's what's going on, but I just would greatly appreciate if someone could give me some pointers, cause y'all I still got a whole another year and a half before the puppy stage is like fully over and his energy levels out. Just know though neutering is coming as well. And I'm hoping that that changes. But if my last puppy was any indication, that's not going to change. It didn't change him. He still had the same level of energy and maybe it's something about me and how I choose puppies. Maybe somebody else needs to go with me because I think when I choose them, they're just so sweet. Like he just cuddled up to me and my first puppy Bear was so cuddly and then I got them home and they became little monsters and, I don't know. So yes, please help me help me. But before he wakes up, let's do this episode.

So today we're going to be talking about, I don't know, I don't know what the title is just yet. It's going to come to me. But essentially I've been having conversations with a lot of students, folks who are working on their dissertations and who are considering hiring a coach. And the thought like after the conversation, what I'm hearing is they may say like, Oh, I don't know if I need this. Oh, I think I can figure this out on my own. And I tell them, yeah, you can, you absolutely can figure it out on your own. How much time and money do you have though? And I say that because I wholeheartedly believe you can figure this out on your own. I mean, people have done it, right. And it takes a lot of time and money. Time, but in the way of you have to research and figure out best practices and what's going on and you gotta do trial and error to see what's gonna work for you. Right? You gotta learn the mistakes as you're going through the process. And that, that all takes time to try those things. And you're not saving money because if that's going to take you time, that means you have to also keep paying to be in your program, paying for hours and classes and whatnot, as you figure out how to finish this dissertation.

And one of the main things that I tell people is that when you work with a coach they've been there, right? Like I have finished my dissertation. I am doctor. So you have the benefit of learning from me and my personal experiences of going through a doctoral process. Plus you have the benefit of learning from other folks in the program and their experiences and the lessons that they learned, which will help you go through the process faster because you're learning from their mistakes and you have people to bounce ideas off of and you can, you know, figure out what works for you quicker. Not only through the asking people about their experiences, but because inside of the finish your dissertation program, there is a very clear structure, a very step by step system of do these things to finish your dissertation, which takes out all of the guesswork. It takes out all of the Googling, right? You get all of that time and energy back and you finish your dissertation faster. And so that's a lot of the conversation that I'm having. And as we go through that, the thing that the student that I'm speaking with, what they want to say that they may be afraid to say is really like, I feel some shame that I'm the only one who needs this. I feel some shame that I'm the only one in my program or my cohort or my friend group that has to go get extra help from a coach. And that it shouldn't be that way. Why can't my chair be more supportive? Why can't my program be more supportive or prepared me different? Why do I now have to go do this extra thing and pay this extra money to get help that I should have received already? Let me know if I'm, um, am I talking to myself, do you relate to this? Right. And that's very real. Like I get that conversation. But what I also tell folks is that, that goes back to you thinking that your program or your chair or your cohort, they're supposed to be all things for you in this process.

Playing for the Major Leagues: 

I've said this before on the podcast. But think about, I foresee like the doctoral, it's us going into the pros of our sport. Like if this was a sport, right? Like K through 12, it was like, okay, everybody its the basics. Everybody has to go through that. Undergrad is like, okay, maybe like you start, you went into, um, you know, like you get into high school and you get to be on the high school team. I'm using the sports analogy, which is probably not doing well, but follow me. Right. And then, you know, if you got your master's degree is like, Oh, this is not, it's not just playing. I'm not just in like rec sports. Now I'm on like a team team. And then the doctoral process is like, you made it. Like I am in the pros. I am newly in the pros. And so I say that and I think about that, y'all hear my loud, now loud neighborhood. I think about that in a way, because it helps me to be like, pros need coaches too. That's why they have a coach. They could very well been like I've been playing a sport. And since I was three, why, what are you going to tell me? I should be able to do this by myself. Nobody will look at them like they were silly. Like, no, you need a coach because sure. You've been doing this.

You've been doing school for a very long time. And there are still some things that you can't see. We all have blinders on, like blind spots that we can't see. And we, we cannot push ourselves in a way that someone else can, especially someone who's been there and done that can, right. Because we, it can be easy for us to give ourselves excuses. Like, Oh, I don't need to write today. I can do that tomorrow. Or, Oh, I did enough today. I don't have to keep going. Or, Oh, like, right. We can give excuses. But when you have a coach and someone is holding you accountable, you show up differently. You like, Oh, I know that I'm going to have to go to a call with Marvette and she's going to ask me did I do this. And I don't want to sit there and say, I didn't do it. So let me go do it. Whereas if you're only accountable to yourself, you're more likely to be like, Oh, okay. It's okay. We can push the timeline back. So that's one of the first reasons of why my answers to my answer to this. Um, I'm the only one who needs this.

We All Need Help: 

The second piece to go deeper is when you're saying, why am I the only one who needs this? What that means is that you're in shame. You're saying like, see, this proves a, another way that I'm not enough that I don't belong in this program. And this is giving way into imposter syndrome. And when you're in a place of shame and feeling like shit, you're going to show up like shit, meaning you're not going to be consistent. You're not going to have a consistent writing schedule. You're not going to consistently write every week. You're not going to be meeting with your chair probably consistently. Um, you're probably gonna feel like you're wasting a lot of time. You're probably gonna stop working or attempting to write this dissertation. And time and months and months are just going to go by because that's what happens with shame. We just, if we feel like shit, we show up like shit. So when you can recognize that and you can acknowledge that and be like, yeah, I am the only one who needs this. And so what, what does that mean? What am I making that mean about me? You can make it mean that you're not enough, or you can also make it mean that I'm courageous enough. And I am smart enough to know that I need help and that I am courageous enough to go get that help because I want to ensure that I meet my goal because myself and my goals are important to me and I'm going to do whatever it takes to do that.

You could think about it in that way. And I also want to offer to you that just because things appear to be one way from the outside, you think that your cohort people or other people in your program are not getting help. I beg to differ, I believe that most of them are getting help in some way. It might not be through a dissertation coach. It might be a mentor. It may be a friend who already went through a doctoral process if they're talking with, but like you have no idea. You have no idea who these people are talking with. What type of help they're getting like a lot of people have editors throughout their whole process. A lot of people have they're in these different writing groups, right? Maybe they're their dissertation chairs or someone in their program, gave them extra funding for support. My point is that you have no idea what type of support people are receiving. And that you're telling yourself this story, that you're the only one who needs help. Everyone needs help. Everyone needs help. And so I know, like I didn't have a dissertation coach in my program cause I didn't even know that was a thing. And had I known that this was a thing I would have spent all my money to a coach. Cause even though my chair is, you know what I say, my chair is the greatest of all time. She is. And even though my committee was supportive, they all have lives. They can not be everything for me. They have lives. They have other advisees that have other projects. And I would have loved to have someone that I could go to and be like, can you hold me accountable in the day to day stuff? Because my chair was more like big picture. Here's where we're going.

I would have love to have someone walk, literally walked through this process with me because another side note is that your chair and your committee members, most of them do not want to relive their dissertation experience. One of the most common things that I get when I talk to people about like, yeah, I do dissertation coaches coaching. And for people who have their doctor, doctorate degrees already, they're like, wow, that means you relive that process over and over. And I'm always shocked. Like, uh, yeah, but I don't think it's painful. Right? I say that to say like, most people don't want to walk through this with you, but I'm here to walk through this with you. This group is here to walk through this with you because it can be isolating. It can be lonely. It doesn't have to be. And I very much believe that this dissertation process can be exciting. Yes. Exciting. It could be fun. It could be joyful. It could be peaceful. It doesn't have to be this thing that stresses you out and overwhelmed you and all these negative things. It could be fun. We have fun in this group. So much fun and people work so hard and they have so much fun. Did I tell you they have fun? Like it is fun. Okay. You get the point because that is, I believe that this process can be that like, if you're not enjoying it, what's the point.

This Process Can Be Joyful: 

If you're putting your life on hold, what's the point? What's the point of doing any of this? Because it was just going to repeat, like, even though you finish, it was such an arduous and challenging process. When you get to the end and you graduate, you think your life is going to be better, but it's going to be more of the same old because all you have practice up to that point is life being hard. But when you show up to this dissertation process and it's fun and you feel supported and you know exactly like you can be confident in knowing exactly what it is that you're doing when you graduate, that it's going to be tenfold. You're going to go into your next position, feeling confident, having fun, knowing exactly what you need to do and showing up. That is what we're doing in this group, which brings me to one of my final points in the answering to this, this response of why am I the only one who needs this is because this isn't just about your dissertation. I'm not just here helping you with your dissertation. I'm here to help you change your life. And that may sound like a big claim. And I feel confident and I can stand in it, stand in it. And back it up. I am helping you change your life. This is more than just a research project. This is more than a dissertation. This is more than a piece of paper at the end that calls you doctor. This is your life. This is your life. Your life does not have to be feeling like shit all the time. Your life doesn't have to be You beating yourself up all the time about how you're not good enough. You're not doing enough. How this program isn't enough. It doesn't have to be that.

It can be. That's what the program is. But look at me. I know I'm good enough. I know I belong in this room. I know I'm the person to do this research. I know that I'm the perfect person to do this research topic. I'm ready to talk to anybody about this research topic. Hire me to talk about this and consult on this research project. I like, what would it mean for you to go into your meeting with your dissertation chair and show up and be so like proud and confident to be like, Hey chair, let me show you everything that I've been working on in the past couple of weeks. Here's my progress. You gladly show them drafts. Even if they're not finished, because you're confident in what the content says, you gladly tell them. And you're honest with them or like, this is what I've done. This is what I haven't done. You gladly say like, and this is what I'm going to be finished by. Let's schedule that date to defend it, walking through your day to day life and the week being like, I feel good. I'm hydrating. I'm minding my business. I got energy to not only show up for the dissertation, but to show up for my other responsibilities and still have time for myself every week, every Sunday, knowing that you sat down and you made a plan for the week and you know exactly what it is that you're going to accomplish, you know exactly when you're going to accomplish it. So if someone asks you, Hey, when can I see that draft? You can be like Oh, Thursday afternoon. You'll have it. No problem. And you don't have to scramble and be like, I don't know what I'm doing.

You know, you're good. If your family asks you, Hey, can you come? And we're celebrating such and such birthday now, I don't know how you're doing it. And it's time to quarantine, but just go with me. Like if they call you and like, we're doing this as a family, can you come? You would gladly be like, yes, I can come and not feel guilty that you're not doing something for your dissertation. You go and you're fully present with your family. Cause you know, you have a plan and you trust yourself to follow that plan. And you believe that you're going to finish this dissertation by the timeline you set and you're not questioning it. And so you get to not only spend time with your family, but be present. I speak to a lot of you. And you say that you put off family events or you ignore friends and family because you're trying to focus on this dissertation. And I'm saying that you can, it doesn't have to be an either or it can be a both and. Like, it could be a, yeah, I'm finishing this dissertation. I'm working on something. I'm pushing myself and I get to go and have fun and be with my family. And not feel guilty. And like, it is so big to know that you can trust yourself to get back on your plan.

Join Finish Your Dissertation!: 

That in itself takes the pressure off that in itself gives you peace. That is what this group. So when I say I am helping you change your life. I mean that I mean that so much. You can ask clients who are in the group. You can go on watch. I'm going to be releasing videos of them. You can go and watch those. People are changing their lives and is not requiring all of this time and energy to like focus on that. And so that is what I'm inviting you to do. So when you think about, why am I the only one that needs this? Reframe, that thought like I listened by the end of your first week, you're going to be like, Oh man, I feel so bad for the other people who don't have this. I hear this from clients all the time. I feel so bad that other people don't have this type of community and this type of support, man, if I would have found this a year ago, my life would have changed. That could be you too. That definitely can be you. I'm going to be opening up this group in August. Get on the wait list. Because when you get on a wait list, you get a, you get a discount and other surprises, but get on the wait list. You want to get on a wait list. Most importantly, you want to change your life. You want to finish this dissertation in a joyful, in a peaceful way. This is the time. So go to Marvettelacy.com.

You'll see a little banner at the top that I'll tell you, Hey, wait lists here, click here. If you're listening to this in real time, but I'll be opening August. And I won't be opening again until December. And I do not want you to block your blessing or say, Oh, I don't need this or wait and be in shame. No take charge. Change your life. Get your peace and joy back. Sign up for the list. Okay? That's going to do it for this week. I will talk with you all next week. Bye for now. Hey, you ready to take this work further? Then it's time for you to join the finish your dissertation program. Finally get the tools, resources, and structure. You need to show up consistent and disciplined in your process. All you need to do is come on over to MarvetteLacy.com/apply and join the finish your dissertation wait list. I'll see you there. Bye for now. Thanks. Thank you for joining in for today's office hours. Make sure you come on Instagram and tag me at Marvette Lacy. Let me know what your thoughts were on today's episode until next time. Do something to show yourself some love. I'll talk to you next week. Bye for now.